Happy Days

After several gloomy days (due to weather, sadness, and bad attitude), I would like to report I am have had several happy days.

God is so good and has blessed me in so many ways. Early this year I happened upon this blog where Ann wrote about a thousand gifts and recognizing every day things to be thankful for. There are things all around us every day that are blessings from God. I often do not slow down or pay attention to recognize these blessings for what they are...blessings from the very hand of God.

Once I read her post, I started a journal where I record what I am thankful for. There are days when I will list 10 to 12 things. There are days and sometimes weeks that go by where I don't write anything at all. I have been very sporadic in pulling out my journal, but it is something I want to continue to work on.

This weekend was full of happy days. Friday I ran fun errands after work. I went to a new (new to me) scrapbook store and was so inspired and excited to get started on something crafty. I have been lacking that inspiration for quite a while. Saturday Matthew and I went to see Wall-E. Then I came home and got started on a scrapbook. I have really enjoyed looking through old pictures and putting them together in a way I have not done so before. I have felt creative. It has been refreshing. Sunday was a wonderful day of worship at church. Matthew and I both came home very thoughtful about the sermon. Our pastor has been at the church a year and has recently been sharing his vision for the church. We are both excited about what is coming.

Tuesday evening I had dinner with a girlfriend. I hope this relationship will develop into a treasured friendship. This is the first time I have done anything with a friend since I've been in Colorado. Isn't that sad? It has been very difficult and slow to make friends here...that is the understatement of 3 years (we've been here 3 years!!!). I was so excited about this dinner. I called Matthew beforehand squeeling because I was so excited. I believe the Lord really blessed our time together. We had some really meaningful conversation about what's going on in our lives. All I can say is that is was so wonderful...I am thankful for that 2 1/2 hours this week. I hope it will happen again. I have been treasuring that time all day today.

Sunday, Monday, happy days

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days

Thursday, Friday, happy days

Saturday, what a day

rockin' all week with you

Rain, rain, rain...and even more rain

It has rained at our house at least 7 of the last 8 days. Some days it has been a lot of rain and other days just a sprinkle. It has been wonderful as this is really the first rain we have had all year. I love the rain. I like the coolness it brings to the day here. I like the way it makes everything green. I love the loud thunder and bright lightning…the sound of the rain on the roof and windows…the smell of the rain. I haven’t enjoyed the muddy mess our yard has been or the water that has been standing in parts of our yard for what seems like at least a week. Nor do I like the mess Max makes in the muddy places of the yard or how much work it is to make sure he is clean before coming in the house after playing outside. But I still love the rain.

Life has been rough lately. From the outside looking in, and even sometimes from my own point of view, it doesn’t seem rough but it sure has felt that way. I remembered yesterday a camp t-shirt we had when I was in high school. It read, “Life is tough. God is good. No fear.” At the time, it was just a catchy t-shirt to me. Remember the “no fear” craze? Now I recognize how true that statement is. Life can and will be tough. But God is always good. How thankful I am for that.

Like the ground has been thirsting for this rain, I think my soul, my very being, has been thirsting for something of the same. Something to come in, make some noise, flash some bright light, wash away all the dirt and grime, and leave the sunshine in its place. I have been needing to release some tension…stress from work, frustration and sadness about my dreams of being a mother at least for now not being met, and weariness just from dealing with life right now. Stress in one area of my life often leads to stress in all the other areas. (How in the world I think I could handle a bigger family is beyond me at this point.) While I have SO much to be thankful for, for the last several days I have been thinking mostly of what is not going my way.

I tend to compare what is going on in my life to what is going on in the lives of those around me. I do this when things seem to be going really well in someone’s life and I am envious of things like what they have, how they live, what their faith looks like, etc. However, when I feel like my life is really tough, I tend to also realize that so many people have bigger problems than I have. That humbles me. I don’t think I’m supposed to compare my life to others in either of these ways. My life has been put into motion by a loving Father. He alone is in control of all things. He knit me together in my mother’s womb, knows all there is to know about me, and even gave me the ability to feel (even to feel sadness). He has blessed me in many ways…maybe not the ways you have been blessed with talents, children, wisdom, etc. But He has blessed me. And how disappointing it must be to Him when I compare all that is my life to what is the life of another.

Today I read the following quote on a blog I check often. Since I do not believe in coincidence, could it be that God laid this on this woman’s heart just so I would read it today? I don’t think that’s out of the question, but I’m probably not the only person who this applies to today either.

“Give up the bitterness, the anger, the sadness for what isn’t, that you wish you had. And embrace the gift of what you do have. For therein is really what you want more of: Joy.” -Elizabeth Elliot

Yesterday was a sad day for me. Everything just added up to roughness in my view. I went home looking for comfort from my hubby. He basically told me exactly what the quote above says. While what he said was completely true, it was hard for me to hear. At the time, I was just looking for comfort and for someone to share my sadness.

Today is a new day. I am finding that each day I have to give my desires, wishes, dreams, and ideas about what should be over to God…each day. While I don’t think some of my desires in and of themselves are bad, they become bad when I obsess over them and forget the bigger picture. I want to desire what God desires. I must remember to ask Him for those desires…to ask Him to change my heart so that it reflects His heart. That’s a tall order, but “He who began a good work in me will continue to its completion.”

Questions...another biggie

When are we going to have children and start a family? Matthew and I get this question a lot from inquiring minds. It doesn’t really bother me. I have thought about posting on this topic many times before but always decided against it.

Matthew and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half…almost 22 months to be exact. As of today, that has not happened for us. We have been through very basic testing and it appears that everything is working as it should. Part of my desire to check into my low blood pressure and have blood work done was to see if there was anything that could be preventing me from getting pregnant. We received a referral to a fertility specialist several months ago, but we just aren’t sure that is the route we would like to go. However, neither have we felt an urging to begin any adoption paperwork. At this point, we have no direction either way.

It took me quite a while to get here, but most days I am not devastated about our current situation. We would both LOVE to have children…in fact, if it were up to us we would have a house full. I do, however, have my moments of self-pity. I get quite emotional - frustrated, upset, hurt feelings, jealous, judgmental, etc (sometimes the ugliness in my heart shines through loud and clear). More than anything, I wish I just understood what was going on. Why has this not happened for us? Will it ever happen for us? Would we be bad parents? Would we not love a child like we should? Would we not provide a loving and stable home for a child? Did I do or not do something that caused this?

We both understand that God is in control. If His desire is for us to have children, we will. If it is His desire for me to give birth, I will and I don’t believe He needs me to see a fertility specialist (although He does work through medicine as well). If it is His desire for us to adopt, He will give us the funds to do so.

In the meantime, I don’t mind if people ask when we’ll be starting our family. I guess I never shared before for several reasons.

• I don’t want people to tip-toe around the issue with me.
• I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. Like I said before, I know that God is in control.
• I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable sharing about their own children or even about the difficulties or stress involved in having children and being a parent.
• Pain, frustration, things not going as I have planned them, and not understanding are a part of life. Even though I have not had the joy of expecting a baby, neither have I had the pain of losing a child during pregnancy or afterward.

The most difficult thing I have dealt with is knowing that I could live my entire life without being a parent. It has taken me a long time to have that thought without almost falling apart. Even if things don't turn out my way and I never have the chance to parent a child, God is still God, He is still in control, and He is still a good and loving God worthy of all my praise.

I hope that one day I can look back and see God’s hand in all this because while I know He is in control it is sometimes hard to see His hand in the midst of the situation.

One of many reasons

The following is one of many reasons why I know God's timing is perfect and that He is in control.

7 years ago today was my first date with Matthew. Though I wasn’t “old” when we met, I had wondered for a long time if I would meet “the one” and one day get married and have a family.

God’s timing cannot be ignored. If Matthew and I had met in college or earlier, nothing would have happened between us. Our lifestyles were quite different and I was naïve and just rude enough that I would have turned my nose up at him and gone the other direction. I did not have much understanding in my college days for people who lived other than what I thought was the right way to live. While I loved the Lord, I did not have much mercy and grace for others. I just found friends that were like me and spent my time with them.

When I met Matthew, he was the first guy I had met who was truly passionate about God and his relationship with God...I mean visibly passionate. His conversations were centered around how God had changed his life and about what He was reading in the Bible. It was such a beautiful thing and somewhat unbelievable. In fact, before our first date we met a group of people at PF Changs for dinner. On the way there, I offended Matthew by asking him if he was “for real.”

As a rule follower (see earlier post), I can often be legalistic about things. I am also quite anal and a list maker. Once I make a list, I like to get everything done so I can cross things off the list. This makes me feel like I have accomplished something with my time. I have been known to put things on the list that have already been accomplished just so I can mark them off. Again, I’m a nerd, but there is just something about marking things off the list that gives me an almost
euphoric feeling. Because of this trait, there have been many times in my spiritual walk when I read my Bible so that I could check it off my list. This wasn’t written on a physical list, but it was something I wanted to do each day. During these times, I would read my Bible but I couldn’t tell you about what I read. I was reading it to be able to feel good about having done it rather than to quench a thirst in my soul…a desire to really know God and His word.

From the beginning of our relationship, Matthew challenged me in this. I would like to say that I appreciated this challenge from the beginning, but if I am honest, I have to say that I would get irritated at him as often as I would be encouraged by him. I would get irritated because he was messing up my “system.” He was taking away my comfort with my laziness. How dare him!

The Bible says the Word of God is a double-edge sword, useful for teaching, rebuking, etc. I was not approaching the Bible in order to be changed. I wanted to read it so that I could feel good about reading it. There were times where great learning did occur, but I hate to admit these were not the norm.

I think the most important thing I have learned in knowing Matthew is how rich, wide, high, and deep is the Word of God. It is not that I didn’t know this before, but it is possible that I hadn’t experienced it in my life before…at least not in the same rich way. Matthew wants to share and talk about what he has read and learned in the Word. It is called the living Word for a reason. It is real, it is the Word of God, and it still applies to our lives today…1000s of years after it was written. God speaks to me through His Word. I am still imperfect, flawed, lazy, and undeserving of His love and life, but He speaks to me.

The question now is do I give my time and attention to His word?

Miscommunication

I made a miscommunication today. This is not a rare occurrence. I often just say things without thinking a particular statement all the way through to its conclusion so I guess this shouldn’t be surprising.

I am sure you have never done this.

This morning as Matthew and I were driving to work (we have been carpooling since his injury) we were talking about a hypothetical situation. The situation is not an important part of this story so I’m not going to go into the specifics. His response to the situation surprised me so I said, “That surprises me. I didn’t know that about you.” Apparently the way I said this and the tone in my voice came across as disappointed and anything other than accepting and encouraging.

That was not my intention at all. In fact, I didn’t have an intention. I was just saying that I wouldn’t have expected Matthew to react to that situation in that way. I’m not sure this is a wrong response or reaction, but the way I communicated my response was hurtful.

I’m sorry babe. I hope I will do a better job going forward of thinking before I speak (that’s a tall order). I hope I will also recognize that we are two very different people and realize that having different responses is natural and expected because we are different and think through things differently (by the way, I’m not referring to having a different moral compass here). While I don’t know every little thing about you after almost 7 years together and am still surprised by you, I know your heart (which is tender and compassionate) and hope that I will continue to see the best in you.

I love you Matthew!

Rule Follower

My name is Mindy, and I am a rule follower. I have always been and expect that I will always be a rule follower. This is probably one of the top things that drives Matthew nuts about me (the other being that I make excuses for people I don’t even know – I’ll have to save that for another day…and yes, there are more than two things about me that drive him nuts).

Our church does things a little different than I am used to. We switch Sunday school teachers each quarter. I am sure there are other reasons, but I’ve only been told it is because the church does not want to have “people followers” – instead wanting us all to be Jesus followers. Because the teacher changes often, we have mentor couples in our class. These couples are a little bit older and have been married longer than the rest of us. It is actually a neat opportunity to get to know more people within the church. While on a marriage retreat back in February, we met a couple who had this particular man (BT) for their teacher. The girl told us that BT “would change our lives.” We laughed about that then…just because it was an odd statement.

Anyway, recently in our Sunday school class our teacher (BT) was teaching about sin. We talked about sin for an entire quarter although Matthew and I were only there for a handful of those Sundays. The basic teaching of the topic was that God is more concerned with our heart than our actions. Said this way, I completely agree. However, I had the hardest time listening and thinking about the lesson as the teacher presented it. We talked about how our behavior is a reflection of what is in our heart. Again, I agree with that. The teacher presented this specific example: someone struggles with looking on the internet to satisfy a lust in his/her heart. Say this person is in an accountability group and has made known his/her struggle with this particular issue. This person is alone one night and has the opportunity to look on the internet for this satisfaction but chooses not to because of the pact he/she made with the accountability group. The teacher was pointing out that in this situation nothing had changed in the person’s heart. He/she still wanted to satisfy that desire but chose not to do so – not because of a desire to honor God, but because of a desire to be truthful to his/her friends. Obviously, it’s a good thing that he/she chose not to sin by looking, but the sin is still in the heart. The main message of the quarter was that behavior is not what’s important when it comes to sin. My heart is what is important. And until my heart has gone through a transformation, I am still in trouble with my sin. Just because I don’t act out my sin does not mean I am not a sinner.

I believe all those things are true, but there is a part of me that must be somewhat conditioned to a deeds based mentality about my spirituality. I 100% believe that I will meet Jesus face to face one day in heaven because he paid the penalty for my sin. Period. I did nothing to earn or deserve His mercy and grace. But somehow there must be times when I believe that outside appearances matter for something. Because I want to follow the rules no matter what my heart looks like. Somehow in my mind, if I am following the rules, I must be doing ok. This obviously happens when I am trying to please or impress people rather than focusing on bringing glory and praise to God.

The funny thing to me now is that I have actually been thinking about this lesson ever since.

**As I just reread this, it is not very cohesive. Sorry! I hope it makes some sort of sense.

Conviction

Over the past few weeks, I have been thinking about how rotten my attitude about my job has been. I had my second Bible study with my Titus 2 group last night. We were talking about knowing God and somehow the subject of work relationships came up. We were talking about how our "work ethic" should make us appear different than our co-workers that are not believers. Immediately I thought about how I had not been glorifying God with my work quality nor my attitude. Several scriptures came to mind.

"The Lord was with Joseph and he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master. When his master saw that the Lord was with him and that the Lord gave him success in everything he did, Joseph found favor in his eyes and became his attendant. Potiphar put him in charge of his household, and he entrusted to his care everything he owned. From the time he put him in charge of his household and of all that he owned, the Lord blessed the household of Egyptian because of Joseph. The blessing of the Lord was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field. So he left in Joseph's care everything he had; with Joseph in charge, he did not concern himself with anything except the food he ate." Genesis 39:2-6

"Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:22-24

"But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way. Now God had caused the official to show favor and sympathy to Daniel, but the official told Daniel, 'I am afraid of my lord the king, who has assigned your food and drink. Why should he see you looking worse than the other young men your age? The king would then have my head because of you.' Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, 'Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.' So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days. At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead. To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds. At the end of the time set by the king to bring them in, the chief official presented them to Nebuchadnezzar. The king talked with them, and he found none equal to Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah; so they entered the king's service. In every matter of wisdom and understanding about which the king questioned them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters in his whole kingdom." Daniel 1:8-20

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

I first want to point out that these scriptures are not a formula for God's provision or success as the world sees it. The Spirit convicts me when I read and meditate on these scriptures because I should be working (my occupational job, my housework, etc) as unto the Lord...not for any reason other than because He deserves any and all glory I can give Him. Everything I do should be done as unto the Lord. If everything I do is unto the Lord, I have been giving him a stinky offering lately. I have been doing just enough to get by. When I think about it in this context, I don't want to give God anything less than my best effort. How will my boss and co-workers see Christ lived out in my life if I am okay with the status quo?

This is not a new thought process or something new I am struggling with. This has been a struggle throughout my working years (more than 9 now). I tend to focus too much on how I feel about my job, what I am or am not getting out of my job, how I want to move up or do something different. I often forget my main purpose in this world which is to bring glory to the God of the universe. It is so easy for me to turn my eyes and attention from the One who has been so very gracious to me in spite of the fact that I deserve eternal separation from Him. I get caught up in silly things about work and life that do not matter at all.

My prayer is that God will turn my weak and futile effort...my mundane work into something beautiful in His sight. That He will use my ordinary life to glorify Himself. And that I will be willing to daily lay down my life for His purposes.

For this is a moment made for worshipping.

I am rich

Almost every time I hear the word “rich” I think of loads of money. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how that word must mean more than just material wealth. Webster defines rich as follows… (1) “having abundant possessions and especially material wealth”; (2a) “having high value or quality”; (2b) “well supplied or endowed”. I like definition 2b the best of these. It still has a connotation of material wealth, but I am going to use the word a little differently. I have always thought the terms richness and fullness were similar. I could be wrong here, but I am going to use the word rich outside the realm of material wealth.

I am rich in many ways that I take for granted most days. And the beautiful thing is that these cannot be taken away from me.
**God is my God and Father. He loves me unconditionally and wants to work in and through my life. I have done nothing to deserve this. It is a gift from Him. Not only does He give me love, He offers peace that is beyond human understanding. He provides protection, not always from injury, but from eternal separation from Him. He has a plan for my life. He knew me before I was born, before I was even in my mother’s womb.
**My husband loves me well. He provides for me. He listens to me. He enjoys spending time with me. The foundation of our relationship and marriage is the faith God has given each of us. With our foundation secure, we have started to build a life, marriage, home together. I can’t wait to see what the future holds and to one day look back and see what God did in spite of the sinners we are.
**My parents raised me in a Christian home where I saw what day-to-day life should look like. They prayed for me and continue to pray for me daily.
**I have good friends that I ache to be close in distance to again. And I know several of them ache for the same thing.

Every one of these has to do with a relationship in my life. Wow. That has not occurred to me in this way until I just typed it out. If I truly believe these relationships are what make me rich, do I live and view my life as a rich one? These relationships are what bring richness to my life. Do I spend my time cultivating and being grateful for these relationships?

I want to be a farmer

Well, at least part of me wants to be a farmer. What is it that would draw me to this kind of life? I’m not completely sure.

My dad grew up on a farm. I LOVE hearing stories about his childhood. My grandfather was a share cropper (meaning he did not own the land that he farmed so a portion of the money he made went to the owner). My grandfather loved being a farmer, but my grandmother hated it. He actually tried to do something else because my grandmother was so unhappy, but he went back to farming. My dad grew up (and was actually born) in a farm house that did not have central heat and air or running water. He tells stories about his chores, the crops they grew, the animals they raised, and life in general on the farm.

Anyway, part of me wants to be a farmer. I think I am drawn to it for several reasons, but it just seems like a simpler life. I know it is hard work and the work is never done, but the life itself seems like a simple one. You are obviously dependent on God for the growth of your crops (the kind of dependent I should be in each part of my current life). You see the miracle of birth and creation with animals like cows, chickens, pigs, etc. There must be a satisfaction in eating the meat and crops grown on your own land. You know what those animals have been eating and you know what you have put on the crops (as in chemicals).

I currently struggle with the dissatisfaction I have with my job. There are days I enjoy it, but I feel like it’s a job and not a calling. That bothers me, but at this point I have no idea what to do about it. As an accountant, it is hard to see that I am helping mankind. It just isn’t obvious. It seems like a farmer can easily see the impact he is having in the world.

I can see myself driving an old beat up pickup truck much easier than I can see myself in an SUV or family car. I have always wanted to drive a pickup. My dad has had a pickup since I was in middle school. Every time I go home (including last December when we went to their house for Christmas), my dad will toss me the keys and we’ll go for a drive. I really enjoy it.

Growing up in Amarillo, I grew up surrounded by farming. The Texas panhandle is the cattle capital of the US. These folks are generally friendly folks. To me, it is really beautiful to see farmland as far as you can see while driving down the highway. I like the wide open spaces. Even though I don’t enjoy the wind, I like to see an occasional tumble weed blow on by.

As I drive to work each day, I pass acres and acres of empty land. It won't be without development for long unfortunately. But for now, I drive by a field of horses while on the other side of the road the cows are grazing. I have especially enjoyed seeing the calves over the past month or so. Mixed in are also some antelope. It seriously makes my day to see these animals every day. I look for them because they are not always near the road. I have thought several times about pulling over and taking some pictures, but I haven't done that yet.

There are several (probably more like many, many) reasons why this might not be a good idea for me.
1. I know absolutely nothing about being a farmer.
2. I don’t like to sweat.
3. I don’t like to be too dirty.
4. I like to sleep late.
5. While I like to listen to country music and wear cowboy boots, I am definitely a city girl.

Wouldn't it be fun to be known as Farmer Mindy (I guess you wouldn't know because your name isn't Mindy)?

I am...

I am: a child of God.
I think: about going to culinary school.
I know: God has a plan for my life.
I want: to have a house full of children.
I have: too much to do at work right now.
I wish: I had more confidence in myself.
I hate: that I feel burned out and don’t enjoy my job more.
I miss: fiercely my family and friends from my life in Texas.
I fear: the day a really close loved one passes to the next life.
I feel: old. I turned 31 today.
I hear: Cirque du Soleil music from my iPod right now.
I smell: the warm cinnamon crunch bagel I just purchased from Panera Bread.
I crave: having a really close girlfriend in Colorado.
I search: for the next recipe I want to try.
I wonder: if I could have a more satisfying career/job doing something else.
I regret: that I don’t recognize each day as the gift it is.
I love: my husband.
I ache: for days when life seemed much simpler.
I care: too much about what other people think about me.
I always: freak out when I have to talk in front of a group of people.
I am not: outgoing.
I believe: the Bible is the Word of God.
I dance: not often enough.
I sing: all the time though sometimes it is just in my head.
I don’t always: wipe Max’s paws at the door when they’re wet like I’m supposed to.
I fight: to put my husband before myself.
I write: what is going on in my head on my blog.
I win: hmmm…I’m not sure about this one.
I lose: a lot. I just don’t have a competitive bone in my body.
I never: enjoy getting out of bed early in the morning.
I confuse: thinking I am pleasing God with my good behavior with pleasing God with what is in my heart.
I listen: to a LOT of music. I love it!
I can usually be found: at home. I am definitely a home body.
I am scared: of coming to the end of my life and wishing I had taken more risks.
I need: to be reminded of people’s love for me.
I am happy about: celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary April 26th.

You?

What inspires you?

I recently started reading a Christian fiction book series (written by Karen Kingsbury) recommended by my dear friend M. I am ashamed to say I was a bit skeptical about these books. I guess I thought it wouldn’t be very interesting, have a good story line, or something. I was completely wrong, and I have really enjoyed reading these books. There are 12 total in this series (broken up into 3 different series). I have read the first seven books and am picking the next 3 books from the library today. I feel like I have become so involved with the Baxters who are the main family in the series. In fact, not only do I really enjoy this series, I believe God has used this series to get me excited about reading His word again. I hate to admit that I have been having a hard time with this for quite a while now. However, I am now reading and absorbing and meditating on God’s word and enjoying it so much. It has brought a new joy to my heart in recent days. I am so excited about it. I hate that it took a book series to get me excited, but I am so glad God will use even a fictional book to get my attention.

Creator of my own demise

Do you have any character trait or personality trait that is a thorn in your side? I have at least one…probably more. I can be extremely shy and uncomfortable around people. I am terrified of speaking in front of a group of people…even people I know well if it is a large group. I will avoid this at just about any cost. As a kid, I can't tell you how many times I embarrassed myself in front of a group of people because I could not recite what I had rehearsed perfectly only moments before to myself. I was a Brownie and then Girl Scout in elementary school. I would BEG my parents to take anything I was selling to school with them (as they were both teachers) so that I would not have to approach anyone trying to sell something. I couldn't even sell Girl Scout cookies which pretty much sell themselves. When I was in high school, my mother saw my shyness in light of her own and wanted to see if I could move beyond that. So for a summer (I’m not really sure how long this went on) I met with a Christian counselor or psychologist who officed at a local hospital. I don’t remember much about the whole ordeal, but he would give me “exercises” to work on. I remember one week the exercise was simply to start a conversation with a stranger. That’s about all I remember – and I have no idea if I did the exercises he gave me or not. It would be entirely believable for me to have lied to him rather than actually do what he suggested I do (but I don't remember what I actually did). I’m not sure what results came about because of my sessions with him. I was comfortable around my small group of friends I hung out with in high school and had fun with them, but I didn’t branch out much. Then I went off to college. I guess I knew that I had to relax a bit because I only knew a handful of people when I got to school. After college, I moved to Dallas. I really didn’t know anyone there so I tried to quickly get involved in a singles group at church. Thankfully, I met several nice people – one of which is still a very good friend today. I would have to admit that I chose the church I joined based on the friendliness of the people in the singles group. I visited a couple of churches where no one in the singles group even talked to me. I have realized recently that I have always found a friend or two and then held on for dear life to them rather than continuing to build relationships with other people. It is weird to have a realization such as this now that I am 30. Maybe I just didn’t consider it earlier in my life. So what’s a shy person to do? M says that I need to challenge myself to invite girls to do things one-on-one and just get myself out of my comfort zone. I will tell you right now that while I think he is right, that thought really scares me sometimes. I am truly a weirdo and have created this sometimes lonely world I live in.

Where I live…

This life of following Jesus is an interesting one. I find that I can get so caught up in my job, housework, cooking, cleaning up the house, doing laundry and playing with the dog. Just about anything can be a distraction for me – distracting me from doing what really matters. I think that keeping the house clean and cooking meals is being a good steward of what God has entrusted to me. However, there are far more important things than that…steeping myself in the Word, spending intimate time in prayer, sharing real life with my husband. Yet I spend most of my time doing those things that are not eternally significant. As I sit at my desk each day listening to my iPod, I hear song after song that reminds me of Kingdom things. I know the best is yet to come…on that day when I see Jesus face to face. That should be what I look most forward to. And I do look forward to that…but then I’m distracted again and think about the things I still want to experience on this earth. I am a living dichotomy.

What is even worse about all this is I have recently come to know all kinds of people who are really struggling with situations I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy…death, infertility, miscarriages, illness. If nothing else, my thankfulness should drive me to my knees to know my Creator as well as to intercede for those who are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. My faithfulness should not be dependent on my circumstances or feelings…I should just be faithful. God chose me as His child. My life should daily be laid down for His purposes and glory.

I am in the midst of these thoughts and how I can change my daily life around these thoughts.

2007 in Review

2007 turned out to be a pretty big and eventful year for us.

• We moved into our first house in January. It is hard to believe we have been here over a year now. I am embarrassed to say we still don't have anything hanging on the walls yet. I just haven't wanted to put holes in our hole-free walls yet. That must happen soon.


• In October, we got our first pet (other than the fish we had when we lived in Austin). I can't believe I lived most of my life without a dog. Max has been a lot of work at times, but he is so sweet and fun.


• The last day of the year, we bought a car. This is my very first brand new car. It had only 16 miles when M drove it off the lot. We figured we needed some sort of 4 wheel drive vehicle so that we can drive into the mountains with less trouble than before. Our cars have lasted longer than anyone probably thought possible. We have been so blessed to have been without a car payment for most of our marriage. M has been driving a 1998 Honda Accord he bought while in college. It has around 195,000 miles on it and is still going pretty strong. I drive a 1996 Saturn SL2 (the green planet) that I got my last year of college. It has a little over 185,000 miles on it. It gets the best gas mileage. When I was driving 45 miles to work each day on the highway, I could get between 36 and 40 miles per gallon. The dealership did not want either of our cars so we are going to try to fix M's car up just a bit and sell it. We expect that we could get something out of his and almost nothing out of mine. I hope that works out. Isn't the new car pretty?