Heart-breaking

My heart is breaking this week. Matthew left last Saturday to spend the week in Chicago with his dad and sister going through Carolyn's things at the house. It is Matthew's (and I believe Shannon's as well) first time to be at the house since Carolyn passed away. Steve and Carolyn moved to this house after Matthew had gone to college, but there are still so many memories of holidays and other visits there.

So Matthew is in Chicago going through his mother's things. I haven't been able to talk to him for any length of time since he's been there, but I know this must be so hard for him. He definitely was not looking forward to it.

The pain of losing his mother less than 3 months ago is still so fresh. It is still shocking to remember that she is no longer here.

She made holidays an incredibly big deal. You would not believe the amount of food she would fix for the 6 people around the table. It seriously would have fed a small army. She asked for each person's request for a favorite dish. And she found pleasure in making every detail about the meal special - from the meal itself to the china, crystal, and linens. She also made sure to give thanks to the Creator of those special moments.

This Thanksgiving will be a difficult one, especially for the Merritts. I have to say it is hard to look forward to being there during such a tumultuous time. But I am looking forward to loving on my husband. It has been a hard road knowing what to say or how to act toward him during his grief. It is hard to see those you love in pain and not be able to do anything to ease that pain.

I first met Carolyn Thanksgiving Day 2001 - seven years ago. I remember vividly seeing her for the first time at the airport. I remember Matthew making a big deal of her hair. I'm not sure if I was aware she had battled breast cancer at that point. If so, I guess I hadn't considered that she may have lost her hair during that battle. She made me feel welcome in her home and had left a gift in the room she had prepared for me. I remember peeling and cutting up rutabegas while Matthew and Carolyn went to the airport to pick up Shannon and Dave that day. I had never eaten rutabegas before - I think they were one of Carolyn's favorites.

She was a beautiful woman and I hope that our gathering will bring healing. I hope it will be a time where we can happily recall so many good memories of her. Most of all, I hope that Matthew and I can glorify God in our attitudes and outpouring of love and thankfulness.