Matthew and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half…almost 22 months to be exact. As of today, that has not happened for us. We have been through very basic testing and it appears that everything is working as it should. Part of my desire to check into my low blood pressure and have blood work done was to see if there was anything that could be preventing me from getting pregnant. We received a referral to a fertility specialist several months ago, but we just aren’t sure that is the route we would like to go. However, neither have we felt an urging to begin any adoption paperwork. At this point, we have no direction either way.
It took me quite a while to get here, but most days I am not devastated about our current situation. We would both LOVE to have children…in fact, if it were up to us we would have a house full. I do, however, have my moments of self-pity. I get quite emotional - frustrated, upset, hurt feelings, jealous, judgmental, etc (sometimes the ugliness in my heart shines through loud and clear). More than anything, I wish I just understood what was going on. Why has this not happened for us? Will it ever happen for us? Would we be bad parents? Would we not love a child like we should? Would we not provide a loving and stable home for a child? Did I do or not do something that caused this?
We both understand that God is in control. If His desire is for us to have children, we will. If it is His desire for me to give birth, I will and I don’t believe He needs me to see a fertility specialist (although He does work through medicine as well). If it is His desire for us to adopt, He will give us the funds to do so.
In the meantime, I don’t mind if people ask when we’ll be starting our family. I guess I never shared before for several reasons.
- I don’t want people to tip-toe around the issue with me.
- I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. Like I said before, I know that God is in control.
- I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable sharing about their own children or even about the difficulties or stress involved in having children and being a parent.
- Pain, frustration, things not going as I have planned them, and not understanding are a part of life. Even though I have not had the joy of expecting a baby, neither have I had the pain of losing a child during pregnancy or afterward.
The most difficult thing I have dealt with is knowing that I could live my entire life without being a parent. It has taken me a long time to have that thought without almost falling apart. Even if things don't turn out my way and I never have the chance to parent a child, God is still God, He is still in control, and He is still a good and loving God worthy of all my praise.
I hope that one day I can look back and see God’s hand in all this because while I know He is in control it is sometimes hard to see His hand in the midst of the situation.