…it must. And it is good for it to do so. But how do those of us experiencing a great loss move on? What do we do with our grief? What do we do with our desire for life to be as it was a couple of weeks ago? A couple of months ago? A couple of years ago?
Since my last post about Carolyn, I have been trying to come up with what I really wanted to say about the events of last week, how they have impacted me, and about Carolyn. At the time, all I could do was tell you in disbelief what had happened. And now, I’m not sure I can do much more than that. Honestly, I’m not sure I believe deep down that she is gone. I think about going to the house in Chicago and I see her there. I can’t imagine her not being there. I am wondering when this loss will become more real to me.
I would like to tell you all about Carolyn, but how do I describe her to you? She was fun. She made a very big deal of holidays and special events. Matthew has great stories about Christmas as a kid. She made the holiday very big and magical. She was generous…not just with money or material things, she gave of herself and her time. She was a woman of faith. She studied the scriptures. During a ski trip in February 2006 to Breckenridge, CO, she stayed at the cabin when everyone else was skiing to work on future Sunday school lessons. She loved to read, and I believe C.S. Lewis was one of her favorite authors. She made a difference in the world – both vocationally and personally. She was intelligent and used her gifts in many ways…she helped with a butterfly sanctuary in Mexico after her retirement from corporate America and then was appointed to head the US Chemical Safety Board where she served for 5 years in Washington DC. She was a world traveler. Matthew and I got to join her and the rest of the family in Scotland for Shannon’s wedding in May 2002. She had contagious laughter, teary hellos and goodbyes, and gave good hugs. She was a good cook and left me several recipes while at our house last Thanksgiving. She was tender-hearted and compassionate. She was passionate and had a strong work ethic. Family was very important to her as was her family’s history. She did not want anyone to worry about her or to mourn her loss. But how can we not mourn her loss?
Since returning home on Sunday, I have had a strange desire to get out all the things she gave me over the years. Maybe these things are what I have at the moment to help me feel she is close.
I have also been struggling with guilt and regret concerning our relationship. I loved Carolyn and know she loved me. Ask any of my friends and you will find out I am not so great at long-distance communication. I am decent at keeping in touch over email, but I am terrible at phone communication. I always intended to start calling her once a week or twice a month just to keep in better contact and build a stronger relationship. I never did that though. And I regret it. What would have been so hard about starting that communication?
These are uncharted waters for me and Matthew. How do we go on with our “normal” every day life? We came home from St Louis Sunday afternoon and I went back to work Monday morning. And here it is just shy of a week since we lost Carolyn. We know she is at home with Jesus now. And that is comforting. But considering the present and future without her here is painful…and that is what we don’t know what to do with. We hope for children in the future but are sad to think of how they will never know her. We can tell them all about her, but those will amount to only stories…not a person.
And so we are left to walk this path set before us. Praise be to God who will walk with us.
Since my last post about Carolyn, I have been trying to come up with what I really wanted to say about the events of last week, how they have impacted me, and about Carolyn. At the time, all I could do was tell you in disbelief what had happened. And now, I’m not sure I can do much more than that. Honestly, I’m not sure I believe deep down that she is gone. I think about going to the house in Chicago and I see her there. I can’t imagine her not being there. I am wondering when this loss will become more real to me.
I would like to tell you all about Carolyn, but how do I describe her to you? She was fun. She made a very big deal of holidays and special events. Matthew has great stories about Christmas as a kid. She made the holiday very big and magical. She was generous…not just with money or material things, she gave of herself and her time. She was a woman of faith. She studied the scriptures. During a ski trip in February 2006 to Breckenridge, CO, she stayed at the cabin when everyone else was skiing to work on future Sunday school lessons. She loved to read, and I believe C.S. Lewis was one of her favorite authors. She made a difference in the world – both vocationally and personally. She was intelligent and used her gifts in many ways…she helped with a butterfly sanctuary in Mexico after her retirement from corporate America and then was appointed to head the US Chemical Safety Board where she served for 5 years in Washington DC. She was a world traveler. Matthew and I got to join her and the rest of the family in Scotland for Shannon’s wedding in May 2002. She had contagious laughter, teary hellos and goodbyes, and gave good hugs. She was a good cook and left me several recipes while at our house last Thanksgiving. She was tender-hearted and compassionate. She was passionate and had a strong work ethic. Family was very important to her as was her family’s history. She did not want anyone to worry about her or to mourn her loss. But how can we not mourn her loss?
Since returning home on Sunday, I have had a strange desire to get out all the things she gave me over the years. Maybe these things are what I have at the moment to help me feel she is close.
I have also been struggling with guilt and regret concerning our relationship. I loved Carolyn and know she loved me. Ask any of my friends and you will find out I am not so great at long-distance communication. I am decent at keeping in touch over email, but I am terrible at phone communication. I always intended to start calling her once a week or twice a month just to keep in better contact and build a stronger relationship. I never did that though. And I regret it. What would have been so hard about starting that communication?
These are uncharted waters for me and Matthew. How do we go on with our “normal” every day life? We came home from St Louis Sunday afternoon and I went back to work Monday morning. And here it is just shy of a week since we lost Carolyn. We know she is at home with Jesus now. And that is comforting. But considering the present and future without her here is painful…and that is what we don’t know what to do with. We hope for children in the future but are sad to think of how they will never know her. We can tell them all about her, but those will amount to only stories…not a person.
And so we are left to walk this path set before us. Praise be to God who will walk with us.
This is one of my favorite pictures of Carolyn. I took this picture the day after Thanksgiving while we were visiting Carolyn's nieces that live about 3 hours from us. This was our first time to meet the kiddos Katie and Jeff had just adopted from Liberia. It was a wonderful visit and celebration.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry for your and Matthew's loss. :-( What a lovely post about your mother-in-law. She sounded like a very special lady.
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